Don't Delete the Kisses - Wolf Alice

Hi. It's been a while, ay?

I hate the fact that I can't write as how I used to- it used to be so easy to write feelings but now I don't even know what I'm feeling most of the time. Often feel blessed- but also sad.

I am always sad.

Today one of my good friend from uni got married. Honestly so happy for her, she deserves to be happy. She's going through some hard stuff so at least now she's got herself a partner- for eternity insyaAllah.

I was one of the 'bridesmaids'. We all wore dusty blue - well, something like that.

Then a painful thought hit me;

Will I ever be able to have a normal life?
Define normal you ask?
Well..

I don't fucking know.

Will I ever get married? Will my parents be able to see their children get married? I hope so. I really hope so.

With the rate of how everything is going right now- I do not foresee me- being stable enough to have a significant other.

I have to admit, I used to not care about love. As in "kalau ada ada la kalau tak ada lantak", but that was when I was in my teens. I am now 24 years old.

That's not that young right? Yeah.

Honestly, I just want my parents to have the chance to take care My baby.

Sometimes I am okay, sometimes this oh so realistic thoughts haunt me. I wish they were unnecessary but I think they kinda are.


God. What is wrong with me. I want to be better. I have been so bitter, so unhappy, so unsure of myself. It's toxic. My mind is toxic. I often feel unworthy and it makes me sad.

I want to be grateful because I know I am blessed. I don't want to die knowing that I blew up my chance of being an ideal human being. I want to please You. I want to be a good daughter.

Please let me be better.